Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
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I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”