me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
You Might Also Like
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Perfect
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I triple waxed for this?
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.