At Walmart during the holidays like..
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When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
s
oc
i
a
l
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.