What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
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we’re dead?
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.