RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
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ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.