Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
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My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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.
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I still have Pringles?
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.