Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
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Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …