Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
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there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
nature’s most graceful animal
I only treason on days ending in y
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.