My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
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KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”