[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
You Might Also Like
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
blocked.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)