[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
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Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
accurate
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or