As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
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I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
My sex drive has a dui
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!