My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
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(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]