Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
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So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
*sewing*
A thread
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
the three branches of government
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.