My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
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Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.