‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
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When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.