Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
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I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.