Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
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[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go