If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
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Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.