Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
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Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.