How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
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My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
my first day as a raccoon
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?