ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
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(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain