Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
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If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.