I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
You Might Also Like
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
…u ok Nintendo?
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”