From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
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The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.