[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
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Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
What flavor cupcake are these
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.