23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
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Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.