Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
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Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.