Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
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“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.