The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
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Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Day 2 of my diet
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
kids play hide and seek like
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY