Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
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the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Venn
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.