I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
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People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
my first dose meeting my second
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
This did not end as expected.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like