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Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit