Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
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Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I don’t make the rules sorry
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*