WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
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It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
What about second breakfast?
There’s always that one guy
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
reminder
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?