Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
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Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone