Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
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Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
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me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
pelicons
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Legend 🤣🤣
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff