My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
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Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
dads on road-trips be like
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games