Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
You Might Also Like
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Noted.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Solving a traffic jam
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me: