Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
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[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Friday night party time 🥳
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar