Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
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Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
this makes me so uncomfortable
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
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