Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
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“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often