ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
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“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science