Every. Damn. Time.
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People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Big Sex has us all fooled