School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
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Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.