I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
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*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Unimpressed
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky