Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
You Might Also Like
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.