*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
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I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
In space, no one can hear…
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom