My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
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Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]