That’s what I call a flat tire
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Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
fourth time’s the charm
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.